muscle memory

“If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run then walk,

if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

There are at least half a dozen ways to crawl.

My pace at writing is slower than other seasons and it frustrates me.   I find myself getting lost in measures of silence; a habit that I would like to break.  I’m fine when I dance and when I teach my students; doing activities where I have great confidence.

But writing and being succinctly expressive in finding choice words and even carrying on an eloquent conversation has me feeling wobbly.   What was my affirmation again?  I have it written on a mirror that I keep in my patio garden.

“I am the possibility of unstoppable love, courage, self-expression and transformation.”

Though silence has been my gold these past couple of years; it has atrophied aspects of me.  I suppose it would be easy to simply fade away and get absorbed by the noise of life.  But I have a voice; a signature that wants to defy invisibility.  And so I crawl, sometimes flopping around on my belly, sometimes on one leg while I drag my body…only wishing to move forward despite my awkwardness.

I’ve committed to pod-casting, hosting a half-hour show with my friend D, each week. We’ve had our share of technical blunders and bloopers managing to laugh  our way past them.  Despite slips and awkward moments, D says she looks forward to our weekly podcast conversation.  She encourages me.   I’m notorious for not lasting two minutes on a phone conversation without feeling annoyed.  Lasting thirty minutes in good cheer has been a weekly miracle.

Hosting a podcast in the morning while still in my pajamas is a world different from standing in front of a room of real people…  Oh yeah…. I’ve also returned to toastmasters this year but in a dipping my toe in the pool sort of way; visiting a new club every week or so.

I recently enjoyed a fleeting moment of words and ideas leaving my mouth in good order.  People got on their feet and applauded at a recent visit while doing an impromptu speech at the podium.    I was scared and was shaking but no one seemed to notice.  It felt good to know I moved my audience.  Someone admitted that they started taking notes.  And my boyfriend was very proud.   I guess I actually “stood up” for the moment.

I feel like I’m still crawling but my “legs” are feeling stronger.   I hope to not feel as stiff in my movements or choice of words in expressing myself as time goes by.  Perhaps it is all muscle memory….to be freely self-expressive and eloquent takes practice.

Here’s to practicing.

JNET

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~ by jnetsworld on April 26, 2013.

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