rugged angel: to be or not to be the suicidal pacifist


R: “Whatcha doin’?”

Jnet: “I just finished writing a second blog entry. Wondering what the suicidal pacifist ought to write about next.”

R: “I still don’t like that title…”

Jnet: (sigh)

I wish I could think of an alternate tagline but I can’t. I want to pack in two words the complicated world where bad things happen to good people, where battles with psychic vampires happen, and real dangerous situations are met and overcome.

Here is where id like to write of a somewhat quiet life where noise happens. I teach music privately. I perform as a dancer. I like to take photos to document my life. And wishing to lead a happy quiet life hasn’t been enough to shield me from a world wrought with brokenness.

Why suicidal pacifist? I wish I could find a cooler title to describe the person within me that deals with life’s sometimes harrowing moments that place me at the edge of despair. It’s not that I do things that put me in danger but rather that I’ve met with sadness and pain that has discouraged me greatly and if it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t like violence of any sort (scary movies make me feel faint….scary anything for that matter), I’d feel life was too heavy to bear.

There are times I wish I could just fall asleep and go to that place of no pain and suffering. But I would miss my family and friends and well…that type of suffering in missing what makes me happy trumps all moments of tough luck.

I’d never kill myself though I may meet those that wish I would. You’ll meet them soon enough in my writing.

Have you ever came across someone that stole so much time and energy from you that you almost got caught up in their dramas? There are those that thrive in pulling people down. And if you were like myself, it took a while to be aware of them because they are so foreign and different from what you grew up with. If you managed to find solid footing despite their plans then you may have an inkling of what it is to thwart the devil.

Facing life knowing death is possible at any corner and going forward anyway is suicidal. Everyone dies but not everyone lives. Walking forward as a pacifist.

I am open to suggestions for edgey alternate taglines. I am not particularly attached to suicidal pacifist.



~ by jnetsworld on August 10, 2012.


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