no good deed goes unpunished

Everything happens for a reason.  And though some things are really terrible; there are some truly wonderful things happening as well.

I’m very sad, I’m devastated, I’m disappointed, I’m shocked.  On the other side, I am not saddled by another person’s weakness, I’m am free and strong on my own.  I am not being manipulated by compliments nor reaped by another’s needy fears and my life is stable enough to write and reflect.  And I am able to take stock of what is good and honest in my life without distraction

I’m feeling a mix of emotions and I feel restless… almost like I am anticipating something but I am not sure what to expect.  It is an interesting place to sit where I juxtapose hope and hurt.

I’m a dopamine tornado inside.

Fortunately, I can’t be swept by any of it.  My leisure reading is “How We Decide” by author Johah Lehrer.  He wrote another book titled “Proust Was A Neuroscientist.”

I indulged my tears.  Now its time to fortify and rebuild my broken kingdom after the looters have laughed and left.  I’ve been made sport of in typical los angeles fashion.

I can only imagine the kind of misery that must fester in CS and her friends.  I used to think well of CS. Its getting harder to think well of her “innocent” friends.

My friends have been very supportive and responsive saying that it is unfortunate but true that there are very bad people looking to taking advantage of the generous spirit of others.  If you want to read on the psychology of how victims attack those that try to help them, I’ve found an article by Dr. Sanity on blogtalk radio very helpful and comforting.

Who am I to help someone think that there is still good on this planet?  Some people are so twisted that they feel entitled to help and only on their terms.  I’m not one to enable dysfunctional behavior.  I’m a teacher and a teacher of the arts; my life work is to teach people to express themselves beautifully and honestly and with an authentic voice.

I am aware that people have their baggage; their worries; their stuff and have coached my students to work beyond that and create wonderful work.  But my students pay for my coaching and I am respected for my work.

Helping a “friend” is another thing.  I now know that I never had a friend if basic human decency is aborted when I tried to make a stand for myself and instead is shown ingratitude and malice.  My help was not a gift to her but rather something she felt entitled to.  She felt no need to keep my friendship when my help was no longer on her terms.

I contacted one person in her family that I thought might be able to help her from creating any further damage.  I asked them – “Isn’t betraying a friend in this dimension and breadth something to consider that all is not right with her world?”

I grew up valuing personal responsibility.  It is empowering to own and win one’s life over the daily trials.  But knowing one person who would throw away personal responsibility, I’ve found a world of others connected to her that also throw away personal responsibility.  The conversations have been discouraging and uninspiring.  I am present to weakness…. so much brokenness.

How to act out of love and wisdom is difficult when you are faced with persons who act out of pretense or pathology.  There are many who choose to live an unexamined life.

I suppose I need to keep a safe distance from people who feel that way as I rebuild jnetsworld.



~ by jnetsworld on June 26, 2010.


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