the blind will find love

The Blind Will Find Love

I am surrounded by well meaning friends wanting to point me in some direction with respect to the mysterious subject of love. It is a happy experience in the space of family and friends and awkward and goofy beyond that.

But it is awkward for everyone… is it not?

It fascinates me and disinterests me at the same time; this aspiration towards a mystery that is turned profane in consumer and pop culture. I have too much comfort and fun in my solitude that I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with my wiring or perhaps I have yet to meet someone that inspires the kind of connection that can make me forget about myself.

Not that I am arrogant and self-centered. I just honestly can say that I’ve never been moved enough in my adult life (high school crushes-don’t count) to be compelled to couple up.

“Are you an only child?” Is a common question I hear. Well, I was raised as the only girl in the family, in a neighborhood of mainly boys who were mostly my brothers’ friends. My childhood was interesting…This weekend, A asked me if I roller skated when I was little.

“Of course. And I had a fancy pair of skates my dad bought me with red wheels and red striping. He would take me to the rink and I would skate by myself and wave to him when I passed.”

And I would get lost in my thoughts while I skated. I suppose the same way I do when I go for a drive or a walk by myself… or when I play the piano… or when I write. I live in that space where it’s only me and my head.

Everyone has that space and conversation going on. Where others might not realize that “voice” nor have a good relationship with it (themselves)… I have befriended mine and notice that when it starts acting up, it makes me laugh. Of all the choices in the world to make.. Why, that reaction JNET? Did someone push a button? Who’s in charge?

I think the dating issue is so prevalent in my life right now because it’s the best new thing and I’m seen still playing in my imaginary quiet world.

But it’s not so quiet in there. I have some questions going on. I’m not cold nor lost in I-never-want-to-grow-up neverlands. I learn a lot in the different loves there are to experience.

Yes, I get that after I learn how to walk, then ride a bike, then drive a car, I need to learn how to fly. And I get that the ultimate lesson of life is to love.

I learn how to walk with love through my family; listening and understanding, I learn how to bike with love through my friends; exploring and being silly, I learn how to drive with love; being in community and sharing and I can fly and feel free with my friends and family.

But I haven’t found that special someone to meet me in the clouds and take me to outerspace. I’ll have beautiful friendships with people I WISH I could fall in love with. And without regrets, I’ll still find myself happy to go home back to my private little world without them.

Perhaps romance is written for others and not for some.

Perhaps it is a matter of time. And so I will be happy for now because life is unfolding perfectly. Maybe finding love, is like playing Marco Polo with a bestfriend. I’ll just practice listening and following the best I can.

JNET

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~ by jnetsworld on September 19, 2006.

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