my biggest fan

My Biggest Fan

I had my Monday confab night with the galpals to iron out the kinks in our minds in true femme style with a couple glasses of wine in order to meander a couple of hours through our thoughts…

Also known as girl talk….

I shared that I learned one of my greatest lessons breaking off a relationship…

He (we’ll call Mr. OK) wasn’t pleased with my decision to be friends considering that he was going on how he “loved me,” thought I was great and would always tell me that he was my “biggest fan.”

Despite saying that he “loved me,” he also told me that he thought I was incredibly arrogant and worried why I wasn’t compelled on to getting committed, rushing to the altar so to make babies and get on with real life….. never mind my ambitions… the only thing that should matter is LOVE.

Since I was saying “PASS” on his “opportunity” he thought there was something incredibly wrong with me. Mr. OK was not okay with my choice.

No, he wasn’t a kryptonite man… those are rare men. I did not feel faint-hearted in his presence… What disturbed me most was that I felt like the man in his presence…. and well…. that is NOT a sexy feeling to me. I even wrote a poem in reflection to that sentiment called “Man In a Dress.”

I just couldn’t deal with the “I’m your biggest fan” talk because I wasn’t his biggest fan. He loved me like he won the lottery… I felt like gold stashed into a old sock. I didn’t need someone to recite litanies of why they adored me when I couldn’t say much about them.

Shall I glorify his “potential?” Shall I puff up Mr. OK? He needed my validation before claiming his life for his own self.

It didn’t last very long with my “biggest fan.” He knew and loved my world for a little bit, displayed more weakness than I had eyes for, said “sorry” more times than I cared for and brought himself to the level of acquaintance that he rightfully belonged despite his “good intentions.”

I learned that a man who tries to live too vicariously through his woman’s life is something to be weary of… if he admires your ambition but is less directed and focused… he disowns his life. It is his choice and not an acceptable one by my standards. His most exciting dreams were the ones he experienced in REM. I told him he was practicing to be dead.

And I don’t think it’s a maturity or age issue… it’s a choice.

And to my girlfriends, I asked…. Is it a year he needs to be where he wants to be? More? Or is it a choice he needs to come to terms with? Are you willing to give him space to see if he’ll claim his life or do you want a boyfriend so badly that he’ll do – knowing that you’ll possibly be both frustrated at some point? Can you accept one another as friends because dating might be selfish?

The greatest lesson Mr. OK taught me was that I don’t long to be admired as much as I long to admire someone.



~ by jnetsworld on December 20, 2005.


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