melt down

Melt Down

I struggled with my little issues this week. Those little indulgent babies that throw tantrums at unexpected moments leaving me surprised at how such little things hidden inside can have such huge voices.

I’ve been staring at my work… literally. I don’t know how many times I caught myself in catatonic thought. I set up these deadlines to get me focused on completing certain goals and I find myself having a stare down… I am in resistence to myself. I experience sputters of inertia.

I am noticing my game. Right now, I am staring down Rodrigo’s 1st movement. I know the Adagio by heart. I only need to get the last page of the 1st movement under my fingers and I see my practicing at a fizzle at the last page. I find myself protesting those last measures. The third movement will be easy enough to throw myself onto. I’ve played it through but I haven’t practiced it like I know I can… Shame on me… arrrrgggh

I have a collection of poems that I’ve written this past year and I’m yet writing more. I am happy to have established a writing habit. But I am in resistence again in putting my manuscript together. This is new terrain for me. I am intimidated and a bit lost knowing the protocol. I went to music school and I’m outside of my comfort zone.  I have been asking questions to get outside of myself and find guidance. And Life is mysteriously presenting people saying hello to me out of the blue…

I have been having moments of feeling especially too tender for conversation. Thank God they are moments. I have been having moments when I am so present to sadness and fear but I don’t get to really dive into it for very long because I have an appointment to keep or something to distract me.

These visiting emotions have been quite profound that I’m looking forward for the next dip. I’d like to explore the depth of it next time. I know there’s something worth uncovering there.

My journey for unstoppable self-expression embarked this blog to sail the wondrous jnetsworld to chart the mysterious lands of my thoughts.

I have deserts as well as mountains and meadows.

This is my online record of my musings, a catalogue of my thoughts and poetry, a window to view me and the people in my life…

This blog also records my breakdowns, upsets and shortcomings.

This is my story in search of as many happy endings I can bring into my life.

This is also a door for you to be part of my story and become my friend or an invitation to start your own blog and invite me into your life.

JNET

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~ by jnetsworld on February 9, 2005.

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